As we were watching this great accomplishment, our youngest Nini was on my lap, shaking and scared, clinging to me with a death grip, her head buried in my neck. Almost 5 years in an orphanage in China doesn't prepare you to be outside in wind, sprinkles and the sound of thunder in the distance. I am thankful of the trust she put in me to protect her. Three months ago, I wanted to hold her and protect her as we drove away from the only home she had ever remembered. She sat next to me on the bus, pushing my hand away every time I reached out to give her comfort. She sat silently, tears rolling down her face and I couldn't help her. God heals the brokenhearted and breaks the bondage of fear. Nini is my little shadow, following, loving, embracing me with hugs and kisses at every opportunity.
At the end of the day yesterday, basking in the quietness of the house, I thought of my journey of motherhood. How God has comforted me and sustained me as five times I grieved for my babies taken from my body straight to heaven. My heart aches for those that have to face Mother's Day without a babe in their arms, only in their hearts. The mommas who made hard choices, who feeling there was alternative chose to terminate their pregnancy and the lifetime of shame and grief that brings. I am thankful for a God of forgiveness and grace that brings freedom from that guilt and shame. For the birth mommas, who chose to let go for so many reasons. For my children's mothers who must think of their choices, wondering if their children are still alive, in the orphanages where they left two of them, are they safe? Do they know love? Living a lifetime of not knowing. I feel guilt for their loss was my gain. Through their tragedy and sacrifice, God has filled my house with joy. In twenty years, I had two beautiful miracles and lost five to heaven. In twenty months God has given me four souls that were lost and needed found and I am forever thankful.
I am so very blessed to have my sweet little mother still with me. Still helping me put together a party, still listening as I cry and process all the changes in my life, still cheering for me and sharing a word of encouragement, uttering a prayer and watching over me. I get to work beside her in ministry every Sunday and she spoils my children and I love her for it. My heart grieves for my husband, his sisters and brothers, my mother and everyone who only have the memories of their mother on this holiday.
May the God of peace bring comfort to the spirit of every dear one who struggled through yesterday. Jesus cares for you and sees your heart. Reach out to Him for peace and rest. If you need to lay some burdens down; some guilt, some shame, some grief, lay them at the feet of Jesus and He will give you rest. Praying God will fill your heart with joy as you surrender to His love which is wide and deep and fills are the crevices of our broken hearts. Praying rest and peace for all the mommas in the thick of raising up their tribes of blessings. For the new mommas to have sleep and rest. For wisdom in guiding our children and rejoicing in thankfulness for the privilege to serve the kingdom as mothers.
