I started this blog in November, our adoption process went into overdrive and I never came back to it.
So here I am...one little girl on the arm of my chair, one licking a q-tip and painting my toenails and JoJo upstairs in his bed, lost in his own world, refusing to come down until he smells food cooking. It's 10:30 am and no one is dressed, including me and I just ate a cookie to congratulate myself on washing enough silverware so that lunch can happen.
I'm going to share my heart and give you a window to peek in and see into my spirit. I am going to share about the journey and our children, but I want to start this series with me.
Truth bomb...I'm a quitter. I've always been a quitter and I think it's so deeply ingrained in me that the desire to quit will never go away. I like things easy. I like to look like I know exactly what's going on and I like to be number one at whatever I decide to do. These are the reasons that I don't sew, quilt, knit, read non-fiction, play trivia games, basketball, coach, mentor, lose weight, wear very little make up, or join the Y. I love the idea of doing things. Last year I was admiring a quilt someone had made and I have always wanted to make a quilt. I read about quilting, joined a couple of facebook quilting groups, went to the fabric stores, went to Hobby Lobby and bought a roller scissor thingy and a mat to cut out the pieces on. I picked out some pretty material and brought it home. But when it came down to actually making the quilt I had forgotten a few things, well several things. I am a terrible seamstress. I get impatient and I like to do everything as fast as I can and I can't stand to go back and redo anything...which is exactly the opposite of what you do when you sew. I can't measure. I've never been able to understand angles and I have never drawn, forget cut, a straight line in my life. So, I was at a crossroads. I could change some things about myself and learn to quilt or quit. You know I quit. This is my M.O.
I use to try to say that I had ADD, and I apologize to all the people who do have ADD I really did think that was my problem. But the truth is I'm not a good finisher. I'm a big dreamer, even a pretty good planner. I'm the big picture gal that gets everyone fired up about doing something amazing. Only, when it gets real and hard and the work really kicks in, I'm done. That's why there is ALWAYS a dirty dish soaking in my sink and laundry on my couch.
Sooo...the big dream was to adopt these two children, fall in love, and live happily ever after. We adopted Gracie and Oliver in August 2014. While still waiting for the happily ever after, we decided to really dream big and adopt two more. The details of that journey are for another day, suffice to say, on February 7th I showed up at the airport with two more children. Both with Down Syndrome, one fourteen and one four. Bring on the happily ever after. Except for I have learned that happily ever after doesn't look like a fairytale. It's beautiful, it's ugly, it's raw at times and most days at some point during my privilege of being the mother, I want to quit. When the house gets quiet I remember my other life with a girl in college and a boy on the way to middle school. My teaching career that had really just gotten started. My freedom. My normal. And I want to quit and start over, like I said it's my M.O. Except for when you are looking at five people staring up at you, waiting on you to cut their PB and J, you realize something. There is NO quitting this. This is forever, this is for life. The 100+ kisses and hugs I get everyday, that's forever. Having someone need me to help them make decisions and regulate their behavior...maybe forever. FOR...EV...ER. No quitting. It's a big pill for this quitter to swallow. But guess what...I'm all in. I may have to go take a car timeout everyday and I may have to hide in my bathroom and let them color on the wood floor, but I'm all in. Because of love. Because of the love of my savior, Jesus. Because of the love I have (even when it doesn't feel like love) for my children. Because love is stronger than quitting.
That's enough about me for now. The goal of sharing our story is to help myself (another truth bomb), to reach out to other adoptive families and especially the moms, who often carry the biggest load, and to share about life with kids with trauma, kids with Down Syndrome and what that beautiful, messy masterpiece looks like.
Follow this blog of you would like to read more posts. Feel free to go back and read my post from November about saying YES. If you have ugly things to say to me that are just mean or nasty. Please don't bother to comment. Life is tough enough. If you have questions about our reality, our craziness, adoption, Down Syndrome or any other thing that I can pretend to know something about, feel free to ask. I'm off to watch a whole box of cereal magically disappear.
